Short Jokes

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

Advertising

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

And more importantly, where is my hamster?

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?”

Me: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”


Short Jokes

 

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine.”

Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

“Mom, where do tampons go?”

“Where the babies come from, darling.”

“In the stork?”

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was “Michael”.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes


Short Adult Jokes

Because every play has a cast. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

why does mexico never hold the Olympics? because everyone that can run jump and swim is already out the country

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

And more importantly, where is my hamster?

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?”

Me: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”

“Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!”

“Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!”

 

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes


Short Funny Jokes

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can”t see him.”

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

“I really don’t know which kid I’m supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife, Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?”

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: “That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man.” The man, recovering himself, replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Doctor: Your test results are showing you’ll easily live to be 80.

Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.

Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Oh welcome home darling,” he says, “my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.”

 

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes

Short Jokes