Jokes In English

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine.”


English Jokes

 

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

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The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

Mom, where do tampons go?”

“Where the babies come from, darling.”

“In the stork?”

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”

“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

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Funny Jokes In English

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

Little Johnny asks his father:
“Where does the wind come from?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why do dogs bark?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why is the earth round?”

“I don’t know.”

“Does it disturb you that I ask so much?”

“No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.”

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, “It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator says “Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says “OK, now what?”

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Santa Banta Jokes In English

Bantas advise:-
Dont carry umbrella during rain
Keep WHISPER on ur head
ye ghanto tak geelepan
ka ahsas nahi hone deta:D

Salesman:This computer will
cut your workload by 50%.

Santa:That is great,
I will take two of them:p

Maths Teacher Was Teaching
Mathematical Conversions

Teacher-If
1000 Kgs= Ton.
Then

For 3000 Kgs

Santa-
Ton!Ton!Ton!

Santa-What Is Difference
Between COFFEE Shop & WINE
Shop?
Banta-COFFEE Shop Is The
Starting Point Of LOVE & WINE
Shop Is Last Point Of LOVE

Banta owned a factory.
He issued orders that only married
men would be employed.
Friend asks: Why this ?

Bant reply:
Because married men are more obedient.

Santa was drawing money from ATM.
Banta, who was just behind him in
the line said: I’ve seen ur password. It’s ****.
Sant: U r wrong. It’s 1394.

A man to Santa:
Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.
Santa rushes home and came back within
half an hour and slapped the man
and said:
“He’s not my friend.”

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